The Mr. Bill SNL Collection Synopsis


"Mr. Bill" Created, Written and produced by Walter Williams in 1974
First aired SNL May 29,1976

Mr. Bill Show-Ohh Nooo!!! Spot has been flattened by a fist, just after he arrived. Good friend Sluggo comes to shake hands. What's that in his hands? "No! No! Nooo!!!" Mr. Bill has been knifed in the gut. And Dr. Sluggo, Sluggo with a little Stethoscope, says Mr. Bill's leg must be amputated. Try standing Mr. Hands encourages, and Mr. Bill falls flat. Mr. Hands suggests a deep-sea mission; he drops Mr. Bill into a deep pot of water. After our hero's rescue, Mr. Hands brushes Mr. Bill's teeth and in the process his nose, mouth, and right eye are brushed off. No time to rest it's on to a skydiving adventure! But Mr. Bill's parachute doesn't open and he plummets to the ground.

Mr. Bill Goes to a Party-"You need exercise," Mr. Hands decides and aids Mr. Bill with a pull-up that rips out a tiny left arm. Dr. Sluggo recommends and inflicts, acupuncture. No time to recover, Mr. Bill has a party to go to! "Let?s wash up!" Mr. Hands douses his friend with a mysterious liquid marked "XXX" next thing you know, Mr. Bill is on fire "Why, why, why?" Mr. Hands deposits Mr. Bill at a doorway and rings the bell. Out comes a partygoer, who sees no one but unknowingly winds up with Mr. Bill pate on the sole of his shoe.

Mr. Bill Goes to a Magic Show-Sluggo is very hungry, so Mr. Hands offers him Spot. Ohh!!! Spot's gone, except for his tail, which is sticking out of Sluggo's mouth. Mr. Hands suggests some grooming; he begins with a vigorous hair brushing that tears off the top of Mr. Bill's skull "I don't want to be bald," Mr. Bill squeals. Fortunately, Mr. Hands has a "mod-look toupee," giving Mr. Bill a Beatlesque appearance. Mr. Hands introduces the world-famous magician The Amazing Sluggo. Sluggo, in silver hat and cape, is going to levitate Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill is held aloft over poisoned tipped spikes and told, "Okay, Mr. Bill, levitate yourself!" The traditional sawing-in-half trick results in three pieces of Mr. Bill.

Mr. Bill Pays Taxes-Spot looks mighty dirty to Mr. Hands, but don't worry, he's got some warm water-boiling to make Spot fresh and clean. Mr. Bill made so much money last year he should get professional tax advice. H&R Sluggo figures that Mr. Bill owes an arm and a leg, which are promptly detached and mailed to the IRS. Mr. Bill's face gets stamped "paid". Here comes Mr. Bill's girlfriend, Miss Sally; no matter what Mr. Bill says, they look so in love that Father Sluggo names them man and wife. A flying bag of rice knocks off Mr. Bill's skull. Head and body are reunited in a van heading for Niagara Falls; Mr. Hands promises it'll be a lot of fun and gives the honeymooners an enthusiastic send-off over the road's edge.

Mr. Bill Goes to the Circus-Mr. Bill and Mr. Hands are having their own circus! Spot looks mighty hungry, so Sluggo brings dog food (with a skull-and-cross bones label). Mr. Hands ties some helium ballons around Mr. Bill's fingers and wrist. "Too tight! Too tight!" the fingers are lopped off, and the helium balloon pulls the arm out of the socket. "Oh, Mr. Bill, you lost your Balloon." Ringmaster Sluggo runs the circus. Mr. Bill performs a daring high wire act, but he slips and lands on a specially made net which is flat against the floor. No circus would be complete without the shoot-the-man out of the cannon stunt, which ends the episode with a bang.

Mr. Bill Goes to New York-Mr. Bill is moving to New York. He and Spot meet Mr. Hands and Sluggo downtown. Sluggo curbs Spot and the dog is flattened by a passing car. "Cleaning up after your dog" takes on new meaning. They visit the top of the Empire State Building. "Let's get a little closer for a more spectacular view!" "No, No, No, Nooo!!!"

Mr. Bill Moves In-The Decorator arrives at Mr. Bill's new apartment; he's a limp-wristed Sluggo, who says Mr. Bill simply must have a nice dogskin rug. Mr. Hands, rolling pin in hand, happily obliges. Sluggo recommends some new furniture, and brings in the perfect table. "But it only has three legs," cries Mr. Bill. Mr. Bill's left leg becomes the table?s forth. Sluggo thinks the room should be repainted, and Mr. Bill is inadvertently caught between the wall and the roller. "Oh, Mr. Bill, we got some paint on you. We'll have to wash your clothes." Mr. Bill and his clothes get the best washing quarters can buy.

Mr. Bill Goes Fishing-Mr. Bill's going fishing and Mr. Hands outfits him with a fisherman's hat but the hooks in the fabric dig into Mr. Bill?s head. What is Mr. Hands going to use for bait? "Here comes Mr. Bill's dog" Spot is hooked. Say, what a catch: they reel in deep-sea diver Jacques Sluggo who's happy to show Mr. Bill his new harpoon. Finally, a fish bites and Mr. Hands lets Mr. Bill reel him in; Mr. Bill gets yanked into the air and then falls into a dolphin's mouth.

Mr. Bill is Late-Animal Trainer Sluggo has Spot roll over into glass shards, with Mr. Hands' help but even Mr. Hands' help can't get Spot all the way through the ring of fire! Mr. Bill arrives and sees Spot's charred remains,"Mr. Hands, I'm beginning to think you're not such a good friend. You always let that bully Sluggo pick on me! I think I'm going to punch him in the face.? But they're out of time, and Mr. Bill gets a last minute conk on the head.

Mr. Bill Goes to Court-A messenger has brought a summons. It reads, "Mr. Bill's gonna get it," although Mr. Hands tells Mr. Bill, "It says here you're being sued by Sluggo because your dog, Spot, bit him on the leg and has rabbies." The Honorable Judge Sluggo resides. To prove Spot doesn't have rabbies, Mr. Hands gives a blood test-oops! Spot is sucked into the hypodermic. Uh Oh! The jury, all frowning Sluggos, thinks Spot does have rabbies.

Only one thing to do: "Here comes Mr. Bill's Mom..." DA Sluggo interrogates Mother Bill in private. She returns with black eyes and a sudden change in testimony: "Mr. Bill is a spoiled brat and has committed many felonys recently." The jury decides to throw the book at Mr. Bill, literally. As Mr. Hands sees it, Mr. Bill's only option is to plead insanity. Judge Sluggo accepts the plea and authorizes shock treatment ("Nooo!!!").

Mr. Bill Shapes Up-Mr. Bill weighs in at 190 (with Mr. Hands' help) and resolves to lose weight with help from Sluggo LaLanne. The barbell is too much for Mr. Bill's arms and crushes his chin. "And now for those shoulders, stretch this spring," Mr. Bill goes flying. A brick wall stops him flat: "You're slimmin' up already," Mr. Hands encourages. Mr. Bill is forced into the steam box and comes out pencil thin. Time to cool off with a refreshing shower and what's left of Mr. Bill seeps down the drain.

Mr. Bill is Hiding-Mr. Bill has left a note: "Went shopping. Be back later." once Mr. Hands leaves, Mr. Bill calls from the closet, "Oh, I'm sorry I had to tell a fib, but I didn't want Mr. Hands to know where me and spot are! You know, I'm beginning to wonder if we are very safe around him anymore. I'm even beginning to think that he likes Sluggo more than he likes me because he always let's him pick on me. And the mean things he does to poor little Spot." But Mr. Hands reappears saying "It's good to return borrowed things promptly" and returns Mr. Bill's bowling ball.

Mr. Bill Runs Away-Mr. Bill and Spot hitchhike in disguise. A driver stops and revs his engine until Mr. Bill and Spot choke on the exhaust. It's Mr. Hands! He's been "worried sick. Let's shake hands, and then it will be like old times again." Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill buckle up for safety, "Not too tight, that's too tight, Ohhh!!!"

Mr. Bill Goes to the Movies-Today we see a movie, "Sluggo's Follies", featuring the hilarious antics of Vaudeville Bill, Mr. Bill's grandfather. A pair of hands wins the first laughs by pulling a banana peel from under Vaudeville Bill's feet. The Hands douse the burning comic with a bucket of water. The Amazing Sluggo, a knife thrower, hurls five knives into Barbell Bill?s gut. Angry that no knives hit the balloons, the All-Sluggo audience throws food at the stage. The kitchen sink drops on the stage to end the act. "Ohh Nooo!!! I didn?t like that movie! Poor granddaddy!"

Mr. Bill Goes to Saturday Night Live-Today we're all going to see Saturday Night Live! Mr. Hands graciously allows Mr. Bill to pass through the revolving door first but the spinning door thrusts Mr. Bill through the air and into a wall. Badge wearing NBC Page Sluggo tears Mr. Bill's ticket, and in the process rips Mr. Bill's right hand from its wrist. Mr. Bill takes his seat, the last in the house. He's eager for the traditional opening line, and delivers it himself: "Live from New York, it's Saturday Nooo!!!" a latecomer needlessly sits on the tiny Mr. Bill.

"The All New Mr. Bill Show" It's "The All-New Mr. Bill Show" with a mirrored disco ball and "an all-new cast, yay!" No more Sluggo and Mr. Hands, Mr. Bill says, " `cause I think they were holding us back." He introduces the really versatile, witty and cute guest, Miss Sally. They show home movies of how they met at the beach-but first Mr. Hands stops in to return the projector. Whoops! It drops onto the doughy Miss Sally. On-screen, Mr. Bill is at a Coney Island Beach. A Frisbee decapitates Spot. Mr. Hands shares his tips for a great tan: Sluggo Quick Start Lighter Fluid for protective lotions and a magnifying glass to speed tanning. Miss Sally returns the Frisbee and accepts an invitation to stay for lunch. Miss Sally's jealous, and human-size, boyfriend kicks sand into Mr. Bill's face. Once the movie's over, Mr. Bill says, "Spot, between you and me, I like the set the way it used to be?and Snip! the mirrored ball plunges onto Spot.

Mr. Bill Stays Home-The doorbell rings: "It's probably Mr. Hands. Let's pretend we're not here and he'll go away!" But Mr. Hands knocks harder and harder until the door crashes in on Miss Sally. Mr. Bill says he has a cold and won't be coming into the studio. Mr. Hands offers home remedies; first, "plenty of aspirin," and he dumps a thousand tablets on Mr. Bill. Next, "keep warm," and he scalds Mr. Bill with a hot-water bottle. The bottle leaks but Mr. Hands covers Mr. Bill with an electric blanket anyway and eventually Mr. Bill's house burns down.

Mr. Bill Builds a House-The good news: Mr. Bill, Miss Sally, and Spot are living in Pleasant Stay Trailer Park while a new home is built by their insurers. The bad news is Mr. Hands is the contractor. Miss Sally is crushed by bricks and Mr. Bill stands cemented into the foundation. Insurance Agent Sluggo stops by to say his company won't pay a cent. Mr. Bill did not check his Sluggo of Omaha policy's fine print, which has an expiration date of "yesterday."

Mr. Bill Gets Help-"I hope you're ready to have fun today, because we're all going to see a psychiatrist! Yay!" Mr. Bill finds himself on I. M. Hans' couch, recalling his birth: When the stork dropped him in Sluggoville (town credo:"We Hate the Bills"), Dad's head got knocked off by the earthbound bundle of joy. The doctor uncovers Mr. Bill's chronic nightmare. In it , Mr. Bill is rafting in a sink when hands open the drain. Mr. Bill falls all the way to a fiery hell. ?Obviously, you feel manipulated by these so-called hands." Hans' diagnosis? Paranoia. "Oh, no--those hands are real. And you know what? You look mighty familiar. I want a second opinion." Hans' associate, Dr. Sluggo, agrees that Mr. Bill is crazy, an a lobotomy is performed via scissors.

Mr. Bill Strikes Back-Mr. Bill traces a lot of the problems he's been having lately to the people he hangs around with-and he doesn't mean Spot. Mr. Bill reports a threat on his life to Sergeant O'Hanahan. He blames Sluggo and Mr. Hands; "I want them locked up, okay?" When Mr. Bill describes his tormentors, the renderings look like Mr. Bill and Spot. It's Mr. Bill who gets arrested, and in the most painful way, he learns why it's called the slammer.

Mr. Bill Goes to Jail-Extra, extra, read all about it: "Mr. Bill Gets 20 Years in Sing Sing." Warden Sluggo has said Mr. Bill will be out real soon if Miss Sally is nice to him. Mr. Hands tries to help Mr. Bill escape by yanking the bars out with a rope tied to his car. The other end of the rope is tied to Mr. Bill's neck, so the plan fails and Mr. Bill is stuck in the bars. A little dynamite should loosen them right up, Mr. Bill is blasted into the prison yard, where the warden orders him to stand. Trapped under debris, Mr. Bill can't obey and the guards open fire.

Mr. Bill's Christmas Special-Mr. Bill recounts his first Christmas, when Santa Sluggo buried Spot under stocking stuffers and gave Baby Bill an up-close look at his model train. Then there was the Christmas when the Sluggo-in-a Box sprang open to splatter Spot, reshaping him as a treetop star. Little Billy got a pierced palm from stringing popcorn and "made such a great living ornament" before Mr. Hands "lit the tree" with a lighter. And so on.

Mr. Bill Goes to LA-As Mr. Bill lounges pool side in Los Angeles, he is invited to a big party at Ken and Barbie's. Mr. Hands suggests some coke; Mr. Bill says he's trying to stick with diet sodas. However, Agent Sluggo says he only has coke, and a burlap bag drops onto Mr. Bill and his car. That coke buy turns out to be real expensive--even the house must be sold, and the Sluggo Realty sign is planted into Mr. Bill's foot. Mr. Hands talks Mr. Bill into lunch at the San Ansluggo's Fault picnic area. The ground splits between Mr. Bill's feet and closes once he has fallen into the chasm.

Mr. Bill Uncovered-Mr. Bill makes a rare appearance outside "The Mr. Bill Show." Chevy Chase returns to rummage through a roomful of old SNL costumes and props--and finds Mr. Bill stranded amidst the memorabilia. This time there is no Mr. Hands or Sluggo to hurt Mr. Bill. A stumbling Chevy, however, proves just as dangerous to his Play-Doh pal.